Can love withstand the test of time? Kevin and Mel shares about their decade-long journey together as a couple and how it has shaped them over the years.
Kevin: Hello! I am Kevin and I am 27 years old this year. I am a graduate from Ngee Ann Polytechnic, School of Business. Mel and I have been together for 10 years.
Mel: Hi! I’m Mel and I am also 27 years old this year. I’m not a graduate from NP, but have been to the school too many times. I’ve been with the same guy for the past 10 going on 11 years.
How did you both meet?
Kevin: Mel and I met back in Secondary 2. We were group mates at a camp which our CCA (Volleyball) made us join. We were the only 2 campers of the same age so we kinda became friends on the spot. (I hope this is the same for Mel’s reply). There was no love at first sight or anything like you would expect in movies. At that point in time, she was just a friend.
Mel: The correct answer would be at our volleyball CCA since Sec 1. However, I have never noticed him before despite going to competitions together. In Sec 2, we met when we were enrolled in a camp as part of character education for our CCA. Kevin was re-assigned to my group because two guys in my group had the same name. Until today I still don’t understand what was the trouble with that! But it is what it is! We interacted a lot but we were nothing more than friends in our first few encounters.
So, how did you catch feelings for one another?
Kevin: This is a good question! I have no idea.. haha! Okay la.. I think over time I grew fond of her quirkiness and selflessness.
Mel: Just like that lor.. ‘Gan jue’ (Feelings) lor.
What about each other were you attracted to initially?
Kevin: Because she pretty la.. haha. Actually, I did not chase after her immediately after getting to know her at the camp. After the camp, we kinda went our separate ways and it was only at the camp group reunion (you know, those post-camp get-togethers) that I began to notice her cheerful spirit, selfless attitude and kind heart (plus, of course, she’s pretty). I got to know this side of her when we were planning for the reunion for the camp group. It was her idea to meet everybody in the camp group, so we texted more to plan for the event and somehow we did not stop texting even after the gathering (or rather I kept texting her).
Mel: Superficially, his tall height and his very suave volleyball skills! As we texted more and more, I began to admire his heart for the people around him. He was a person that was quick to extend a helping hand whenever he could and was very consistent across his family, friends and even strangers.
How did that change or remain the same over the years?
Kevin: Actually, it did not really change over the years. She is still cheerful, selfless and kind. Maybe she has become more patient (to deal with my nonsense). I think over the years I have grown more attracted to her. She is incredibly adventurous and loves to try new things compared to me who is pretty much contented on eating the same combination of cai fan 5 days in a row, I would think that she got me more comfortable with trying new things and having new experiences.
Mel: His volleyball skills are almost negligible now... Jokes aside, I would proudly say that most (if not all) of the traits has remained. In fact, over the years, I’ve also seen him grown to become a very generous man who is very willing to give no matter the circumstances.
What were some of the challenges you both faced in dating?
Kevin: Being in different places and going through different experiences was quite challenging. People usually get closer when there are shared experiences. We were in different phases of life right from the start–she was from the “Express” steam while I was from the “Normal Academic” stream. When we graduated, she went on to Junior College while I went to Polytechnic. Then, she was in University while I was going through National Service. Even now, we are in different work environments. I’m in an accounting firm while she is at an E-commerce company. It takes extra effort to explain the “daily grind” of life to each other and to share stories with each other.
Mel: Yeah, we both took on very different routes of education and that caused the lack of common topics and experiences. Because of the vast differences in what we were engaged in, it was hard to relate to each others’ joys or frustrations. We also didn’t have much common friends that we could hang out together with. To overcome this, we made sure not to be lazy about sharing details and to make the effort to share in each other’s experiences.
Kevin: With both of us being in different phases, it also meant having various commitments. Thankfully we were never frustrated about each other spending more time in their other commitments instead of dating (okay la, I admit that I might have been a little jealous in the initial years) but it was a challenge to overcome together.
Mel: Yes! The second big challenge would be time for each other! We were both very involved in not just school but extra activities in our own areas, whether was it multiple CCAs, part-time or volunteer work. We were both very busy individuals left with little time for each other. We got to owe it to the beautiful age of technological advancement, unlimited 3G data and the invention of WhatsApp that allowed us to stay connected despite the busyness.
What do you think made your relationship work for almost a decade?
Kevin: We had similar interests–we like trying different kinds of food so we eat a lot together. I recall times, where it would be 2 main dishes and 2 side dishes and the waiters, would look at us and I bet they are thinking in their heads, “Sure can finish or not?”
But jokes aside, I think that something that made the relationship worked is to have a constant desire to share our lives with each other. I like how we would take the effort to explain our day to each other through text or a call (if we’re too busy to text during the day). Sometimes when one of us goes overseas for a holiday, we would email each other about things we did in the day with pictures attached and that really helps in creating more shared experiences to bond over.
Another thing that made the relationship work is surprising each other whenever we can. It can be as simple as buying desserts over to each other's house. It's very comforting to know that at the end of a very long day, there is someone who is thinking about you.
Mel: Honestly can’t pinpoint a single practice we do that made the relationship work but I guess one of it would be us committing to spend time with each other every Sunday to catch up no matter how busy life can get. The second would be the love to serve each other, be it buying bubble tea or comfort food for each other to cheer one up during tiring periods or driving up to the west to pick each other up just to go back to the east. These small acts of service have made a huge impact and went a long way (both figuratively and literally).
What is the greatest lesson you’ve learnt after dating for 10 years
Kevin: To be humble and to say “sorry”. I think being together for so long, you get comfortable and especially in blame your partner for things that happened or to be prideful in refusing to apologise when you make a mistake.
Something else that I have learnt is to put her needs above mine because after a while it is very easy to think about “me” and the things that I can get out of the relationship. I learnt that I should challenge myself to think of her as my partner. I can admit that it was hard to consider my better half’s thoughts or emotions when making decisions but it does teach us to be less self-centered and to care for each other.
Mel: First, never become too comfortable with one another and do not be easily sucked into routines. When you become too comfortable with each other, you may start taking each other for granted or doing things that end up unintentionally hurting the other party. Also, with comfort comes routines which can cause the relationship to become boring and lifeless. Take time to explore new things, new adventures, new habits to break out of the mundane routines!
Second, define relationship milestones and discipline yourselves to keep to it. Being in a long relationship meant that it was easy to transition into a new phase unintentionally. One thing that both of us stuck to was to not to be easily peer pressured or swayed by societal norms and ensured that our engagement would define a new chapter of us preparing for marriage (e.g. finding a house, planning a wedding, etc). We both looked forward to it and it was something that kept us excited. Delight in your transitions!
Third, never act on pure emotions and bring up the topic of break ups rashly. We were both well-aligned that “break up” was a taboo word that couldn’t be loosely used even in our playful banters. Our view that if a decision is made to break up, it would be definite and there would be no turning back because it would have caused a wound in the heart that could be stitched but never be the same as before. Tiny tip: When you are in a heated fight (trust me, it can happen frequently and there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, it helps to strengthen your relationship) or if emotions are getting the better of you, take a pause to realign your thoughts and come back to the conversation again.
So, after 10 years, what is love to you?
Kevin: Besides the fuzzy feeling in your heart, love to me is about forgiveness, the willingness to put another person before yourself and having hard conversations when needed. It’s not easy but I can say with full confidence that it is 100% worth the effort.
Mel: A deliberate choice to accept both the strengths and flaws of another.
Lastly, what are you looking forward to?
Kevin: MARRIAGE! I am genuinely excited to start a married life, to truly be on my own and not rely on my parents. I think there is so much area for growth in that and to also see my partner in a new light (they say things change after marriage). But I think it will be a good time for us to sharpen each other and to mould each other into better people.
Mel: Doing life together and being represented as a married pair!
