She told me she loved me, and then I flew off for six weeks. Six years on, this is still a running joke between the both of us.
I first met Andralyn six and a half years ago. At the time, I was halfway through the second year of my diploma studies in Singapore Polytechnic, and she was about to sit for her ‘O’ Level examinations. We met through some mutual friends (actually a rather interesting and long story for another time) and followed each other on Twitter. Yes, Twitter was still cool then.
I eventually slid into her DMs and after a little DM-ing back and forth, quickly discovered we had a lot in common. The Twitter DMs became WhatsApp texts, WhatsApp texts became phone calls and then it finally dawned on me–I have fallen for this girl.
I won’t go into detail about how we progressed and started dating from there (but I’m happy to share if you want to know more) because the most important thing is that we’re still together.
Andra’s TP Graduation
If you are reading this, it is safe to say that you’re either already in a Polytechnic or about to embark on an exciting three-year course of your choice.
If I asked how many of your parents have told you to only start dating after finishing your education, I’m going to hazard a guess and say that a healthy majority of you will have heard that line before.
Obviously, I did not adhere to that age-old saying but hear me out, it isn’t an unfounded statement–the process of figuring out a relationship while studying is not the easiest.
Before I continue, I must put in a disclaimer that I do not have all the answers. I don’t know what your journey will be like, or where life would take you. What I do have is the retrospection of a very blessed and happily attached Poly graduate. If you will allow me, I’d like to share my experience of how I managed my studies and balanced being in a relationship. Perhaps, this might give you some insight as to whether or not you should get into a relationship.
When Andra and I first started “dating”, (I put the inverted commas because we weren’t really official then) Andra’s parents had not wanted her to enter into any relationship while she was still studying. It didn’t help that she was only beginning her diploma studies.
Andra had very strict ideas about how a relationship should begin, believing that we needed parental support and approval from everyone who was close to us. I, on the other hand, didn’t really know what I wanted or how we should have proceeded.
Yet, we acted on our feelings, quickly falling into habits of calling each other pet names, saying “I love you” often, and dreaming of the future together. We had arrived in the grey area of “We like each other, but it’s complicated.” Looking back, this was a dangerous and difficult place for us to be.
At the start of the article, I mentioned that I flew away for six weeks. That was at the end of my second year when I went to China for my training internship. When I returned to Singapore, we started meeting up often, without our parents’ knowledge or consent.
We had the Singapore equivalent of a long-distance relationship (LDR); she stayed in the east and was enrolled in TP, while I stayed in the west and was attending classes at SP. Meeting up meant long train and bus rides to get to the other side. The time that once used to be spent studying or resting was now filled with a wonderful person and an exhilarating relationship.
Video calling while I was in China
Naturally, things progressed quickly and we got more and more intimate. But while it isn’t inherently a bad thing, our immaturity made it one. We were pushing boundaries that we never intended to against our personal beliefs.
Though we never went that far, it was enough to always end up questioning ourselves and having a sense of guilt. It got so bad that eventually Andra caved and told her parents about us.
Naturally, they were angry and disappointed that we had kept them in the dark all this while. We were made to cut off contact for close to a month. You can guess what happened to our studies after that. While it thankfully wasn’t a dramatic A to F downward spiral, the grades definitely took a hit.
And then there’s sleep. Sleep? What sleep? How does one even sleep when you’re constantly thinking about your broken and hurting heart?
It was a very rough time. However, after that month of not having any contact, a few friends’ of Andra planned a surprise birthday party and I was invited (they knew about us but not the difficult side of things) after getting permission to attend from Andra’s dad.
We were, and still are, very thankful that our friends did that, and that our parents were in the know too. It provided a safe space for us to reconnect and from there, we decided that if we were going to do this love whatchamacallit thingamajig, we would do it in a way we would not regret.
Andra and I started to set boundaries and clearly defined the relationship. We weren’t dating officially, but we definitely had a strong interest in each other and wanted to get to know each other more.
Dates became a little more intentional such as having study dates, joining her and her friends to go around photographing sights for school projects. And that became both work time and our time.
She would help me with my schoolwork by listening to me explain engineering concepts that she had no background in and then asking questions. I would go over radio scripts with her and even did a voice recording for her FYP.
A picture I took at River Hongbao 2016 to help Andra with a project
Our circle of friends grew bigger; we met each others’ cliques and clicked well with them. Our grades got better; not only did we learn new subjects but we also continued to spur each other on to do well.
We also made time to meet each others’ families. We had to learn how to sacrifice our time, energy, effort, and our own agenda to put someone else before ourselves.
The relationship was hard work, almost like taking a whole additional module every semester where you will be assessed and tested every day. That isn’t to say that it was not rewarding; having Andra by my side definitely contributed to making my three years in poly some of the best years in my life thus far.
In the days leading up to Valentine’s Day this year, I’m once again thinking about what to wear, which flowers to buy, what food to eat. Maybe you’re in the same boat as I am, maybe you’re not, maybe you’re about to be. Either way, I would like to leave you with three points to perhaps ponder about.
1. Enjoy yourself.
Polytechnic was one of the most exciting times in my educational journey. It would have been whether or not I had Andra as my partner. Learn, be passionate, explore what’s out there. Having the joy of learning is attractive and contagious. People who can see that will be drawn to it.
2. Be prepared.
You never know when love will find you; I certainly didn’t. Make time to seriously think about the person you would like to have as a partner. Do they love nature? Are they musically inclined? Long or short hair? Athletic or couch potato?
This may all seem pretentious, especially the physical aspects, but it is important because it will be the first thing that will help to determine whether your feelings are worth pursuing.
Of course, please be reasonable. You’re not going to end up dating Lee Min Ho or Emma Watson anytime soon. Also, make effort to manage your time; a relationship will take up your time and you need to decide if you can afford that time away from studying.
3. Don’t date the person you love. Love the person you date.
This is a cliché, I know. Andra and I still fight. It surprises me how many ugly sides she has. (Hey, it takes a healthy relationship to acknowledge this! Plus I bet it also surprises her how many ugly sides of me she’s yet to discover.)
There are moments of angry silence and pillowcases stained with tears. This will happen, but it is how we choose to respond that matters.
Just like ships, relationships aren’t going to sail themselves. You don’t just get on a ship and sail away. You will require a navigational plan, fuel to keep going, a captain and a co-pilot to steer the ship, and a good communications platform to reach out to other people around you for help.
Understand that the person you date may not be the one you eventually marry but be committed to giving your best every day.
That day we went sailing on a love-powered boat
I hope that as you read this article, you’ve gained a new perspective of what it may be like to date while studying. The amount of commitment which relationships have, the discipline that you will need to balance both love and work, and how rewarding it will be if done right. May you have a day filled with love – romantic or not – this Valentine’s and I wish you the very best as you continue to pursue your best life.
Poly Unwrapped Episode 6
Enjoy reading stories about couples and learning a tip or two on how to date well? Check out our Valentine’s day special episode on Poly Unwrapped where Melissa and Gabriel share about the ups and downs of being in a relationship and their advice from their own experience dating in Poly.
