We venture into relationships some way or another. Some end before they even begin, like when they refuse to even give you their number.
You know… like how you try to Paynow someone to sneakily get hold of their number, but they say that they don’t have it set up and request for cash only... it hits you that your odds are pretty much zero.
Thankfully, with the relatively recent technological marvel of online dating apps, it has become easier to meet new people and get a relationship going. The way I understand online dating apps’ place in society is like flagging a cab.
With innovations in technology, you can now book taxis at fixed rates through platforms like Grab or Gojek. It’s no longer up to chance. You know exactly how long before your ride arrives and how much it costs to get you to where you want. Similarly, dating apps are here to make your pairing process more efficient.
My own interest in dating apps came after hearing a few success stories of couples getting together through these apps. Seeing the increasing number of users from my age group, and the growing acceptance of their use, I figured I would try them out.
After about a year on the apps and many first dates later, I am now happily attached to a girl I met on one of these apps… and she’s for keeps!
Yes, dating apps work well, but with new tools in dating also enters the need for new mindsets. That’s why, I’m here to share my takeaways from my experience with online dating apps, in hopes that it helps you to date better.
4 Attitudes to Have When Using Dating Apps
Build a thoughtful profile
Choosing the right pictures and building a good profile will attract more matches with people on dating apps. More than focusing on the number of matches you get, it’s better to focus on the quality/suitability of those matching up with you.
Attractive pictures may be a foot in the door, but profiles are better for first ‘filtering’ the type of people you want to attract/match with. It’s helpful to have already thought about what you’re looking for in a dating partner, but more on that later.
Swipe smart
Before you get swiping, you get to select certain criteria like age, height, religion etc. to narrow down the profiles you receive on the app. I realise that pictures and profiles often provide a good reflection of how people want you to see them, though people may not always live up to their write ups when you talk to/meet them in person.
Gradually, I found myself shifting from a when-in-doubt-swipe-right (to match) attitude, to a when-in-doubt-swipe-left (to pass) mentality. Doing introductions over and over gets tiring, so matching only when you’re confident helps you to regulate your dating experience and preserve your emotional energy.
Follow your instincts
Interestingly, after matching up, it’s quite easy to gauge early whether the person likes you or not (unlike the uncertainty that comes with a first in-the-flesh meeting). This trend was true for me: if no date is organised within the first five days after the initial match, likely it’s not going to happen.
My guess is, if you need that much time to ascertain if you should go out on a date even after both have swiped right, your instincts might be telling you to pass for a reason.
Hold the future in mind
After experiencing many first dates, my personal stance is to date someone you are genuinely interested in, with the hopes of eventually bringing the relationship towards marriage.
Using dating apps when you aren’t in a life stage to commit (or for purely raunchier exploits) hurts others who might spend months or years to heal or lug emotional baggage into their next relationship. You may even be the one getting into their ‘next relationship’ and being with someone carrying past hurts and trauma will take a toll on your ability to love and connect with each other in a healthy and vulnerable way.
Dating apps unfortunately allows us to date in a casual manner and doing so misrepresents love and relationships. Apps are not bad in themselves, but when used irresponsibly, they accentuate already existing problems: date casually and break up efficiently. If bad relationships were as common as the flu, then the increasing popularity of dating apps may have allowed the flu to become COVID level contagious.
Hence, everyone should help nip toxic behaviours in the bud for healthier fish in the pool in the long run. We are our own guardians of culture and standards when we disallow ourselves to date flippantly, and start conversations about the values we would like to embody and the kind of love that we imagine is good.
3 Practical Tips for Dating Well with Apps
1. Prepare a list
Everyone has expectations for their relationships, so figure out what your expectations are before you start dating! For me, deciding what I wanted out of a relationship defined how I approached dating, the way I treat my partner, and the boundaries that govern it.
It’s a useful exercise to list out what you’re looking out for because if you don’t know what you’re searching for, how will you know you’ve found someone good? Here’s a list to get you started:
- Physical attractiveness
- Relationship with family
- Depth of religious affiliation
- Social strata
- Expected future lifestyle
- Finance management style
- Personality (e.g. introvert or extrovert, argumentative or peacekeeper?)
- Intersection of interests (e.g. do you both like to eat, play games or watch netflix?)
- Deal-breakers and Red Flags (e.g. smoking)
You can list specific things or broad topics that can be further broken into smaller sub points… you get the idea. Most importantly, the things on the list should matter to you.
Over time, through the process of getting to know someone better (you don’t have to check off everything on your first date, or else there might not be a second one), you might find that some things on your list are not as important.
You might also find issues cropping up in your relationship that adds new things to the list. Either compromises happen that make it possible to move forward, or problems linger until the couple decides that the relationship isn’t working.
No matter what happens, fine tuning your list has its benefits. In times of relationship trouble, you can look back and be thankful for the other treasured items present in your relationship, assuming that the issue isn’t a critical dealbreaker. Or, you’ll go into your next relationship with more suitable expectations.
2. Swipe away the red flags
Dating app profiles have pictures and bios designed for you to share about yourself and what you’re looking for in a partner (without giving too much away). Tip: the excitement and fun of dating lies in discovering more about the person, so best not to write your whole life story in your bio!
On the other hand, “if you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything.” Profiles are a fun way to tell people about you, but they’re also important in helping you judge if other people are suitable for you.
Once you have decided your reason for dating and a list of expectations, dating apps work greatly in your favour as the red flags raised in the profiles of those who are incompatible with your position can be easily swiped away. Just trust the necessary safeguards you’ve listed out while you were in rational, non-swiping mode, and don’t make too many compromises to make a connection.
3. Set boundaries in dating
When you take things offline, it can feel strange–you first met online, are interested in one another, but have no prior shared life experiences. As there’s a lack of common past experiences, your norms might not be their norms. So here’s where the boundaries in dating should be concretely established together. Agreeing upon how often to call, text, time to respond to texts, number of dates to have in a week etc. will create a stable framework for dating while your friendship develops.
A Few Cautions about Using Dating Apps
1. Ghosting is common
Using dating apps takes time, emotional energy and most people learn this quickly, which brings me to the phenomenon of ghosting–the act of cutting off communication completely without any warning. It is usually done when one party is no longer interested in continuing the relationship and it often leaves the other party feeling hurt and confused.
It’s sad that while everyone is exchanging pickup lines and swipes behind a screen, practices like not abandoning a conversation midway or thanking someone for their time has become a lost art.
A warmth that you experience in a face-to-face meet up is sometimes replaced with rather cold efficiency. Somewhat a requisite to using dating apps, then, is a disposition not to get too bummed out when ghosting happens.
2. Beware of false profiles
Unlike a matchmaker who can verify the age and suitability of your potential date, a dating app isn’t so smart nor stringent in its checks.
Watch out for catfishing and take each declaration at face value. You also shouldn’t divulge too much personal info until you are sure that they are a person that you can trust. Ask intentional questions to find out if the person is trustworthy and most importantly, take your time to get to know someone.
3. Don’t start something you are not ready for
As most dating apps allow only users who are 18 year olds and older to register, this means that you can already begin to use these apps while studying in Poly.
However, as students, our primary responsibility is to study and do as well as we can for the sake of our futures. Be cognizant of the time you spend on apps and time spent thinking of potentials even off the apps; dating apps can be a major distraction if we do not discipline ourselves to focus on what is important at this stage of our lives.
Consider using dating apps a few years after your Poly years instead of during. Experiencing army or university can increase your depth of maturity, helping you to better navigate the world of dating.
Also consider why you’re using these apps. As Valentine’s Day approaches, you might be pressured to get into a relationship for the sake of an insta photo or to get past feelings of loneliness. In my honest opinion, buying a $100 flower bouquet for someone you just met through a dating app for the 14th of February, just isn’t the best use of money.
All in All
It doesn’t hurt to be aware of signs that show that you might need to make an adjustment to the way you use dating apps. For example, you might find matching with many suitors a wild and thrilling experience - but having too many matches might also mean that you aren’t too sure of what you’re looking for in a partner.
Check yourself and your attitudes constantly for a healthy dating app experience! Friendships should be our staple kind of relationships in all seasons of life. Hope that though these tips are just based on my opinion and experience, they will greatly enrich your online dating experience.
Think this is not your season for dating? Valentine's is not just a day for couples. As Jeremiah said, "Friendships should be our staple kind of relationships in all seasons of life"–it is a day to celebrate friendship too!
Spend your Valentine’s day with us on our online Speed Friending event and get to know new friends! Get matched with others in our breakout rooms and have meaningful conversations to forge new friendships.
Speed Friending
Date: 15 Feb 2021
Time: 8pm - 930pm
Location: Online, Zoom
Click here to sign up now!
