I’m a 20-year-old who has never been in a relationship. To be completely honest, typing this sentence would probably have scared me a couple months ago, but I’m thankful I’ve made some peace with it!
This one goes out to everyone who can relate to that first sentence. Singlehood can be pretty tough to navigate, whether or not it’s by choice. I want to start by reminding you that it doesn’t mean that you’re not fun enough, not pretty/handsome enough, not smart enough, and it in no way means that you’re not good enough.
There are some who don’t view relationships as something to be desired, and that’s okay too! I hope this article will help provide some perspective as you journey alongside your peers and friends who struggle in this area.
Whether or not one is comfortable in his or her singlehood, many of us have probably craved the closeness and intimacy of a relationship. That’s completely natural.
But why are relationships so appealing to some of us? As I reflected, the common answers that came to mind were for the companionship, for the comfort and security of knowing that you’re chosen, or to feel loved. There’s nothing wrong with wanting these things, but have we adopted the wrong perspective when it comes to relationships?
Do we have rose-tinted glasses on when we think about relationships?
We often speak of rose-tinted glasses that one might don when they have a crush on someone—the inability to see their flaws and thus placing them on a pedestal. Do we have rose-tinted glasses on when we think about relationships? Ask anyone who is attached and I’m sure they would attest that relationships aren’t always a walk in the park.
If we project our desire for love and attention onto one person and one relationship, it’s very likely that we end up with unmet expectations. Why? Because humans are imperfect. We all know how it feels to be let down, and we have all let others down before.
One thing I’ve been learning and re-learning is that before I start dating, I need to have healthy expectations of myself and my future partner. The hard truth is that it’s irrational to expect another person to bring me absolute joy and happiness, or to “complete” me.
It’s tough to be surrounded by couples. However, rather than focus on “why am I still single???”, I’ve found it healthier (and much happier) to think about some of these things instead:
1. Am I the kind of person that a good future partner would be looking for?
Stay with me for a minute: Think about your ideal partner, who checks off every single one of your boxes. Now think about the kind of person that they would be looking for. Are you that person? Why or why not?
The kind of person you are affects the kind of people you attract. I found it important to think about things like my values, how I love my friends and family and what the things closest to my heart are.
Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t about changing my personality to force-fit myself into someone’s fantasy, but if my hypothetical ideal partner reflects what I want in a relationship, it’s worth considering how I can grow to become someone that he would be attracted to!
Even if I choose not to get married, I’d have grown into a version of myself that will be better equipped for life’s obstacles.
2. Am I ready to date?
Hot take: I’ve always believed that the purpose of dating is to see if my partner and I are fit for marriage.
I believe that if marriage is nowhere on my mind, starting to date would mean dating for a long time before tying the knot. As I don’t see myself getting married any time soon, I’ve decided to focus my time and energy on building other relationships instead!
Forging strong bonds with my family and friends has always been important to me, because they are the ones who can journey with me through the different seasons. This isn’t just a “sisters before misters” thing, but finding a strong group of friends I know will keep me grounded whether in singlehood or in a relationship!
3. What’s the end goal of my life?
Marriage is not the end goal. Whether the fulfillment we seek in life comes from corporate success, strong familial ties, doing good deeds, your religion… We can pursue fulfillment with or without a romantic partner.
In our Asian culture, to settle down and get married is largely accepted as the societal norm, and the optimal lifestyle. But know this—it doesn’t have to be for you. It’s perfectly fine if you end up actively choosing singlehood. It’s also perfectly fine for you to desire a relationship!
I constantly remind myself that a relationship and a significant other are not everything. I am more than my relationship status, and so are you! Just as how you are more than your grades, family background, or looks.
You are a complex, unique, loved human being who is deserving and capable of happiness, regardless of whether or not you find a life partner!
Remember that love does not and should not only come from one person.
I used to wonder why no one chose me. I would look around at the people around me getting into relationships and feel like the last toy left on the shelf. However, one big realisation that shifted my mindset was that I’d much rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn’t help me grow. I’d much rather invest in myself, my family and my friends, than in someone who isn’t right for me.
While I do hope to meet someone who complements me and pushes me to be better, I will not put off living my life while waiting for him. I still desire a relationship, but I know that there are greater things to be desired, and singlehood is a season that serves its purpose, too.
Whether you are single by choice or not, there are many things to enjoy in your singlehood! Jerina shares what she loves about being single in ‘3 Ways to Embrace Being Single’.
