Siblings.
What comes to mind when you hear that word?
For some, it may be memories of having fights on who gets to use the family computer first, and for others, it may not bring to mind any memory at all.
Either way, what would you say about your relationship with your siblings? Is it “good” or “bad”?
Growing up as the youngest child in the family, I would always get into fights with my older siblings about every little thing. I don’t know how my parents tolerate it all.
As I got older, I grew a lot closer to my sister because I stayed in the same room with her, whereas I grew a lot more distant from my brother who is 24 years old this year (4 years older than me).
Though our prior interactions mainly consisted of childish insults and arguments, it has now evolved to tense and awkward silences between my brother and I whenever we’re alone.
Initially I thought that this might have been a phase that he was going through in secondary school, but that idea was definitely thrown out the window when that “phase” dragged on longer than I expected.
Being in a typical asian family who don’t express our love verbally, I never picked up the courage to sit down and talk to my brother about it. If I had the chance to, I would want to tell him that he is loved dearly and though we might not fully understand his struggles, we would definitely journey through it with him.
Photo by Zhu Liang on Unsplash
Honestly, I see a stark difference between the relationship I have with my sister and the one with my brother. It does bring up a lot of guilt for me and sometimes I wonder if there was something that I could have done back when I first noticed it.
Despite that, I have learnt from experience how to relate to my brother better. If what I shared is not unfamiliar to you and you are hoping to show greater love to your siblings, here are four things I’ve learnt on how to express my love to my brother:
1. Find out and take note of likes (and dislikes)
Knowing what my brother likes helps me show love in subtle ways. I am always ‘spying’ on my brother to pick up on hints of his likes and dislikes.
For example, I’ve always known that my brother had a liking for fried chicken. With that knowledge, I would occasionally try and buy some fried chicken for him in hopes that a simple act would make his day. Honestly, this idea is not limited to food only, but buying food can be a good start.
I find this is a great way to show that you still care for your sibling without having to verbally tell him or her that, especially when it’s awkward to express love in a direct way. I echo the words of Aland D. Wolfelt who once said, “Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate”.
2. Send an Encouragement
When I sense that my brother is feeling stressed, I send him some encouraging messages or videos!
Looking back, when my brother was out of the country for the army or school, I would send him cute videos or heartfelt messages to assure him that we’re always there for him if he needs anything.
Since my brother usually keeps to himself, I try to address potential concerns during certain seasons of his life in the messages. For example, when he first entered university, I tried to assure him that it’s okay if he feels lost when planning his career, that he does not have to face everything alone.
3. Invite for activities or events
Something I try to do is to invite my brother to various activities or events so that I will have opportunities to spend more time with him.
Knowing that my brother may be interested in topics such as religion vs science, I’ve tried inviting him to events which discuss topics such as that. This in turn, helps to create more conversational topics and shared experiences with him.
If you are facing a similar situation as me, you could try this method. At the end of the day, even if your siblings are unable to attend those events or activities, I’m sure they will still appreciate the thought of you wanting to spend time with them.
4. Intentionally ask for help
Another way to create opportunities to interact with my brother is to try asking him for help in various areas.
One of the perks of having older siblings is that they most likely have been through life more than you. Turning to them for advice not only helps you gain wisdom when making tough decisions, but it also allows them to open up about their past experiences.
Though it might seem purely pragmatic on the surface at first, this can be a stepping stone for you to understand their opinions and perspectives better.
If your sibling is not much of a talker like my brother, you can try to involve them in basic activities. For example, I’ve tried to involve my brother by asking him to do the dishes with me. Ultimately, I was just trying to create opportunities to interact and spend time with him. Keeping that in mind, the activities can vary in different ways depending on your relationship with your siblings.
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash
With all that being said, don’t get me wrong, this is not so much of a success story where I tell you step by step formula on how to get closer to a distant sibling. Rather, I hope this article serves more as an encouragement to you that every sibling relationship can look different and that’s okay.
Don’t give up loving your siblings and don’t be discouraged when you don’t see immediate results. It takes time for relationships to grow and for both parties to warm up to one another. However, the time and effort that you invest in the relationship is definitely worthwhile.
