“You single child ah? Must be so lucky!!!”
This was the response I received most of the time when people asked if I have any siblings. Of course, I was lucky to a certain extent.
Growing up as an only child, although I was given my own room, went on holidays with my parents, I was not given the easy way out, like any other child. I had to work for everything I owned, including any clothes, shoes I wanted, and I was only given the bare minimum.
My mother was the real calculative one. Once I borrowed 10 dollars from her because I didn’t have enough to buy a cake for my friend’s birthday. After I took the money to buy the cake, she hounded me everyday like a loan shark for that 10 dollars (She didn’t even ask nicely).
When my mother got depressed, it became even harder to grow up as a single child. She grew distant and cold—she isolated herself completely away from me. She became extremely irrational with frequent mood swings and being the only one at home, I was subjected to her ramblings on my own. This in turn made my mental health deteriorate and I closed myself off to everyone, only opening up to a few trusted people.
Since I had no siblings growing up, I kept many diaries and gave all of them names. Anne Frank was my inspiration. I believed a book could be the best friend no one else could. People left, people betrayed, but my books never once did—that was my mentality in the past.
In those books, I poured out my feelings, often crying while writing because I felt my opinions weren’t heard, or my mother had acted rashly on them.
As I grew up without siblings and emotional support, it made me refuse to interact with people on a daily basis unless necessary, much less to express my emotions. I felt that I couldn’t trust anyone around me. This was definitely a tough part of growing up as a single child.
Because of the lack of love given to me, I often sought love elsewhere, any kind of love that was given to me, even if it was toxic, unbearable, heartbreaking or detrimental.
My past made me turn to the wrong things. I chose the wrong boy, relied on alcohol but inside, I just wanted someone to love me wholeheartedly. Being always high on alcohol made me forget the bad things and it was my constant companion in those days. I felt that I could be happy for once.
"My past made me turn to the wrong things. I chose the wrong boy, relied on alcohol but inside, I just wanted someone to love me wholeheartedly."
However, I snapped out of this trance (the illusion that these things could solve any problem I had) when I met my current boyfriend and he showed me that I could be happy even without these things, giving me the love I never had
I’m thankful that I am in a better place and looking back, I realised that being a single child taught me many things as well.
1. Standing strong by myself
From where I stand now, I can say that I am mentally stronger and more assertive on my own. Though I do have bad mental health days, I am better able to manage them on my own than before.
For example, if my mother says something hurtful or insensitive, I would be able to filter out her words and try my best to not get affected most of the time. When she raises her voice at me for no reason at all, I would just take it with a pinch of salt.
2. Being self reliant
Being a single child also has helped me to establish my independence faster than some of my peers. You could say I was thrown into this dog eat dog world early. For example, I was the first amongst my cousins to take public transport on my own when I was young.
That may not sound like an incredible feat, but it was to the young me. It was like successfully carrying a tray of heavy pepper lunch back to my table with the oil sizzling and spurting everywhere. These small accomplishments made me more confident in myself and self reliant.
3. Being a slave to my thoughts
Being a single child has thrown my thoughts everywhere. I overthink all the time, and often there is no one to be a sounding board for my thoughts, provide a different perspective, or give me guidance whenever things go wrong.
It has affected me in all aspects of my life, in my relationships and my work. During school, I often think if I’m not good enough and people are judging me for what I do, my past or who I am as a person.
Sometimes even in public, when I make a very minor blunder such as stumbling on my words when I’m ordering food, my mind will go crazy and think that people are constantly judging me when they are not.
To people who are going through similar situations now or in the past, always remember that you are not the only one going through all these. Find yourself your own support helpline, whether it be your partner or your friend, or even someone professional. There will always be a listening ear for you no matter the situation. My boyfriend has been my biggest support for me. He has pulled me halfway out of this dark hole I was in before, and I am ever grateful for that.
"There will always be a listening ear for you no matter the situation."
Being an only child can be very challenging, yet very rewarding. It depends on your family situation and the way you were raised. Afterall, when parents have only one child, they either tend to focus on their child fully by spoiling the kid or showing “tough love” to protect the kid.
If you feel like you are going through a difficult time in your family, my only advice is to look forward to adulthood. Being an adult gives you more freedom to make decisions independently from your parents.
As depressing as this article sounds, I want to assure you that your life does not have to be this way. If you can prove that you can make smart and sensible decisions and reply to your parents tactfully, you may be able to gain their trust and your freedom. There should always be a balance between obeying blindly like a robot and insisting on your own stance stubbornly.
Finding someone to pour your feelings to or just a sounding board for your thoughts? Connect with a senior from Poly Parcel through our Telegram. We promise we are not bots! 😉
