Isn't it funny how you can feel so connected with your friends while you are with them but on the way home, you somehow feel empty inside? If that is the case, maybe it's time to examine the content of your conversations.
Unfortunately, I have experienced this type of faux connection one too many times. It can happen when my friends and I bond over a common topic, the jokes are hilarious and we laugh until our cheeks hurt. Everyone seems to be having a great time.
However, I often realise that all my friends and I did that evening was gossip about someone annoying in school or comment about the latest blockbuster. Everything we talked about was superficial, the topics are always restricted to something or someone else.
Maybe that is why we sometimes feel unfulfilled by some of our friendships.
Having been hurt previously in some friendships, I spent a lot of time in my late teen years pointing out the flaws of others and wasted a lot of energy holding grudges that only I knew of.
It was an absolute misuse of this one precious and limited life that I have here on earth. But I’m thankful that I was able to gain insight to two simple key ingredients that build the foundation of genuine friendships—intentionality and vulnerability.
#1 Intentionality
Have you and your friends ever decided to do something spontaneous and it turned out amazing?
While the spur of the moment decisions can sometimes be great, friendships that are made up of purely spontaneous decisions often do not last.
Be intentional, not incidental.
Friendships built on that are sometimes superficial and may fizzle out once the magic fades. This happens when we fail to establish a genuine connection with one another by revealing core aspects of ourselves and rely heavily on coincidental circumstances to build our friendships.
I admit that cultivating genuine friendships is not easy. But if there is something I have learnt over the years, meaningful friendships are necessary to thrive in this life.
As relational beings, we long for real connections. We desire to be seen, heard and understood for who we truly are. We want to feel like we belong and have a place in this world, and we tend to find that in our relationships with others.
True friends are hardly a result of impromptu get-togethers. It is usually the relationships that you work hard at, the ones where you carve out time from your busy schedule to invest in that are deeply rooted in authenticity.
Being intentional means that the person whom you want to build a relationship with is at the top of your mind and not an after-thought.
In my own life, the intentional friendships I invest time, effort and resources into are where I found my biggest supporters. Intentionality is paramount to building real relationships.
Be intentional, not incidental.
#2 Vulnerability
In a hyper-competitive society, you will often hear the saying, “fake it till you make it”, which aims to motivate the listener to encompass qualities that he or she does not have yet to achieve his or her desired outcome.
This might not necessarily be a bad thing as it challenges the individual to practise having those traits until they are actually attained.
However, bringing this mindset to friendships is probably detrimental as people will love you for who they think you are, not for the person you truly are.
The opposite of that is being vulnerable. However, being vulnerable in a relationship is scary as it requires you to expose aspects of yourself which opens up the possibility of judgement and rejection. But it is through this process of revealing your emotions, thoughts, and weaknesses that cultivates deeper and closer relationships.
It is through this process of revealing your emotions, thoughts, and weaknesses that cultivates deeper and closer relationships.
Sharing the lesser known parts of yourself also creates an environment of trust as it invites the other person to have a look into your inner world. When my friends know who I really am—my fears and my hopes—it helps them understand me better and avoid any misunderstanding we may have as we are able to communicate in loving and kind ways.
If being intentional and vulnerable sounds daunting and you have no idea where to start, please do not feel like you will never be able to have meaningful friendships in life.
What you can do is to start small and with the right people. Start with one friend and trust the process. Over time, you will find life-long friends who will support, encourage, and grow alongside you in the good and difficult seasons of life.
