We all know what failure feels like. The first time I felt it was when I failed a test in secondary school. I remember feeling the overwhelming sense of disbelief and disappointment, the unavoidable thought that my dreams had ended.
In hindsight, it wasn’t the end of my dreams at all but it sure felt like that then. I tried to bury that thought and escape my emotions.
Failure is not defined by the grades we get. It is defined by us. We feel like we’ve failed when we don't meet the expectations others have of us, and those that we’ve set for ourselves. When we realise there is a gulf between reality and expectation, we experience the feeling of failure.
Sometimes, we get over failures easily, but sometimes, our failures cripples us. It may cripple us because we cannot get over how much we are unable to meet our expectations. The root of the problem is that we are most affected by failure when we expect too much from ourselves. Setting high goals can be a good thing, but it becomes unhealthy when the bar is unrealistic and hence unmanageable.
So how do we manage our expectations? When are we expecting too much of ourselves? I am not an expert, but through good advice from people who’ve been through similar experiences and from personal experience I am able to share with you 4 steps you can take to better manage expectations!
Step 1: Recognise unhealthy expectations
The first step to solving a problem is recognising there is one. When you find it hard to move on from a failure and find yourself absorbed in the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of your situation; when you let it affect your daily life, that’s when you know your expectations are taking a toll on you.
You have to acknowledge that maybe you are too hard on yourself, and maybe you have to take another look at the expectations set upon yourself. Check in on your mental health by examining your thoughts. If the expectations others have of you are affecting you, let them know and work it out with them.
Step 2: Forgive yourself
Humans are predictable creatures and our natural response to failure is usually to find someone to blame. Yet all the finger pointing may somehow land upon ourselves.
Forgiving ourselves can be hard, and the guilt harboured within us may stay with us for a long time. Over time, this guilt can build up, break us down—both mentally and emotionally.
Be kind to yourself, because mistakes help us to grow. We are all learning, we are all works in progress.
Step 3: Expect to fail and embrace it!
To set healthy expectations, we need to expect failures. It is in our nature to fail, we are not perfect and failure is inevitable. That being said, then do we plan to fail?
No, we should aim for success! But we need to factor in failure as a part of the process. We need to know that failing is key to our growth. When we embrace our failures, assess how we can do better and learn from it, we can make better decisions in the future.
Step 4: Set achievable goals
Lastly, setting small, achievable goals can build our confidence. For example, if I want to write a good internship report, I will set a goal of researching a relevant topic a week. This can be followed by setting the goal to writing a section of the report a day in order to finish the report early. Then I can aim to proofread and edit different portions of the report once a day before submitting.
Celebrating the tiniest victories make the journey more bearable. Additionally, laying out small goals will help us see the big picture so that we can decide if the expectations we set upon ourselves are too ambitious for us.
Life is never a constant and so are our goals and expectations. As we move from one life stage to another, our definition of success will evolve. So, allow me to remind you that whatever you are going through is not permanent, your failure will pass and there is more to life than academic grades. Despite all this uncertainty, one thing is for sure, that we all will experience the feeling of failure again and so we need to know how to deal with it.
Don’t know where to get good advice? Find it at Poly parcel, where Poly alumni who have been through done that would like to help current students breeze through different aspects of Poly life. For more content related to Poly life, follow us on Instagram!
