Did you know that being ‘too positive’ can be a bad thing?
Believe it or not, “toxic positivity” exists. Chasing only the good in life can be more harmful than you think for our mental health.
You may be wondering—Positive thinking is a crucial mechanism that gets us through tough times, how can it be bad? Unlike positive thinking, toxic positivity refers to the overgeneralisation of optimistic states in all situations, no matter good or bad.
“Just cheer up!”
“Be positive, there’s no reason to feel sad because other people have it worse.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Have these words been said to you? Or have you said it to yourself? On the surface, they may seem like comforting words to say to those who are feeling down or going through a rough period. However, on the receiving end, it may feel as if their emotions are being invalidated or denied.
How positivity can become toxic
Growing up, I was known to be the girl who is always smiling. Many adults in my life praised me for being such a sweet and bubbly girl and I’m not going to lie, it was nice to receive their attention.
Little did people know that half of the time, I was smiling because I was awkward around people that I don’t know well. And I didn’t know what to talk about!
Despite my awkwardness being a reason for smiling, I was naturally a happy-go-lucky child. I feel that the best way to relate to my friends is to make them happy and to have a good time together.
Hence, my friends often complimented me for being someone who brings joy to the group. Whether it’s jokes or a positive mindset, I was always seen as ‘cheerful’ and ‘joyful’’. It was common to hear my friends say they’d never see me angry or sad.
I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with being a positive person but life is never all smooth sailing.
There were painful moments and experiences in my life like when I felt so lousy for being the last few students academically in the top class or when I had a ‘mid-poly crisis’ and dreaded school till the point of questioning my purpose in life.
When I was going through those moments, I kept telling myself that I had to put up a strong front and I continued smiling when I was with my friends. But I dare say that my ‘mid-poly crisis’ was one of the most mentally draining and distressing moments of my poly journey.
“I shouldn’t be so affected by this. There’s really no reason to be this upset.”
I used to say words like these to comfort myself but in hindsight, I could see how I was too quick to sweep those negative emotions under the rug.
Of course, those words were effective only to a certain extent. Whenever the negative feelings creep in again, I feel guilty that I was not strong enough to overcome them.
There can be harmful effects when we let ourselves continue forcing ourselves to be positive all the time. We may be suppressing our emotions and it may lead to serious mental health conditions such as depression or we may start to isolate ourselves from others because we don’t want to reveal our true feelings.
Design by Rachel Cham
One of the most difficult times in my life was my transition from poly to university. I held several leadership roles and commitments outside of school and was struggling to manage everything on top of adapting to a new environment.
Each time I find myself crying, I realise I tried to console myself by telling myself to be stronger instead of letting people down by being so depressed.
Toxic positivity gives the impression that it is shameful to experience intense emotions. I thought that I was being a crybaby or dramatic about all that I was going through.
In the end, those emotions kept resurfacing and I kept feeling even more guilty each time.
Signs of toxic positivity
If you’re wondering whether you unknowingly adopted the toxic positivity mindset, learn to recognise these signs.
Promise to be honest with yourself as you reflect!
Design by Rachel Cham
Cultivate a healthy relationship with your emotions
It is natural for us to run away from feelings and emotions that make us squirm—it’s uncomfortable to deal with them and it’s easier to push it aside.
However, over the years, I learnt to appreciate my feelings because as complex as they may be, they are what makes me human!
Give yourself permission to feel your feelings! This is something I am still growing in this area as I still have certain perceptions that I am learning to change. Every feeling is valid and especially in some situations, those feelings are perfectly normal to have. If anybody is going through a family or person crisis, it would be realistic and natural to feel stressed and worried.
Sometimes it’s also about being comfortable sitting on those feelings before finally processing or making sense of them. Usually, I would let myself ugly-cry before journalling as it helps me express how I feel. Doing that helps me to calm down after releasing the emotional stress. However, I wouldn’t dwell on those negative feelings for too long as it can lead to a downward spiral.
On the other hand, if you’re helping someone through a difficult time, don’t minimise their feelings or brush them aside. Some words like “stay positive” or “be thankful, it could have been worse” sound so harmless. However, instead of telling that, focus on showing that their feelings are heard and understood.
Through the amazing support of my friends, I have learnt words like “I’m here for you”, “I can tell that you are going through a tough time, what can I do to help?” or “what you’re feeling is completely valid” are more comforting and helpful than any other words!
Nobody wants to be told what to feel or do, we want someone to simply listen.
Toxic positivity can creep into your mind without you even realising it. Learn to recognise the signs and cultivate a healthy relationship with your emotions so that you can be authentic and true to yourself.
