God, I wish somebody would've told me
When I was younger that all bodies aren't the same
Photoshop, itty bitty models on magazine covers
Told me I was overweight
If you looked at me, you’d probably think that I wouldn’t struggle with body positivity. I’m not fat, barely even chubby.
However, it is disheartening to know that our idea of beauty is often so warped that someone who looks like me has a story to share about learning to be comfortable with my own body.
Photo: Charity’s (left) 8 years ago.
When I was young, I remember taking a ferry with some family friends. As kids, we were excited to be up at the open deck looking onto the vast sea, breathing in the salty air, wind in our hair. Then a friend looked at me and said “You have a stomach”. I looked down and saw my round little belly covered in my shirt which was now flushed to my skin with the wind blowing against it. I became self conscious and could not enjoy that moment anymore and I always made sure I had the wind to my back so it would not expose the shape of my tummy.
Fast forward to my teenage years where I started to fall in love with different boys. My first boyfriend was sporty and was really into soccer and working out at the gym. When we hugged, I tried to be romantic by saying that our bodies fit so well together when we hug, but he told me that it would fit better if I didn’t have a belly. He also brought me to the gym to start running on the treadmill, hoping that I would gain some muscle and lose fats.
I think it is natural to put on some weight when you get into a relationship as you enjoy new food placed together as a couple, or try food that the other party loves. In my second relationship, that happened and after gaining a few kilos, I was told that I looked chubbier and to lose weight.
The worst was my third relationship, where I gained weight after a while and was not allowed to wear clothes with spaghetti straps unless I was skinnier. After these relationships, I did not feel loved for who I was as a person. But only loved for how I looked.
I was not overweight at any point in my life and even as my weight fluctuated over the years, it only deviated from my set weight by 4kg.
My third break up happened when I was about to enter university. Not knowing whether I would be selected as a contestant, I decided to interview to enter a pageant competition held by the school, hoping to gain confidence and find myself again.
Funnily enough, I got selected. I was happy yet anxious at the same time. Happy because I felt validated, but anxious because I know I ‘have a tummy’ and have to start going on diet and exercising to lose it immediately.
Photo: Charity when she participated in the pageant competition.
The next few weeks, I went on an extremely strict diet of overnight oats, boiled vegetables and chicken breasts. Weighed out and meticulously counted and recorded the calories of everything that entered my mouth. I spent hours pouring over the nutritional labels in the supermarket, just to find a product that had no sugar in it, or had 1% less fat than the other. I cut out all the carbs I loved and all the sugars in my drink.
I started exercising more frequently and read up on different types of abs exercises. I did all of them religiously and guess what? I saw the results. I was losing weight every single day and I was so glad I was right on track to losing that stupid belly, or so I thought.
I stopped eating, what a bummer
Can't have carbs in a hot girl summer
After a while, the results slowed and eventually stopped showing. I was hitting a plateau and did not know what I was doing wrong. I ate clean and exercised to the point where my whole life and timetable revolved around when I exercise and the logistics of bringing food I prepared along with me.
I cancelled plans to meet with friends because whatever they wanted to eat could not fit my calories. When I had no choice but to eat steamed chicken outside and if I accidentally ingested the skin, I would imagine a layer of fat in the shape of the one I ate being added to my belly. I was miserable, hungry and tired all the time. Many nights I laid in bed and went over the next day and the following day’s menu in my head in anticipation of feeling more satiated before I slept.
The pressure I was under
To lose my appetite
And fight the cellulite
With hunger games every night
Despite my best efforts, guess what? I still had a tummy.
After the whole pageant ended, I felt so liberated and started eating everything I withheld from myself. Breads, noodles, rice and all sorts of sugary drinks. I started to put on all my weight and more without realising.
I remember wanting to buy some clothes and pick them out in what I thought was still my size and joined in the fitting queue. Not sure if I was overly sensitive at that point of time but I thought the staff at the fitting room looked back and forth at the clothes I picked out and me as she prepared it for me to try them on. I went into the fitting room and was horrified to find that none of the clothes fit me. I looked at the mirror and realised I had gained weight and was disgusted with how I looked.
I did not enter any clothes shop for the next few months. I also felt demoralized looking at the fitness models I followed on instagram as inspiration because I felt that the body that I wanted so badly was never attainable, even when I tried my hardest.
After months of being upset and struggling to fit into my old denim shorts, I decided to buy clothes that actually fit and not care so much about the size. It was not easy at first, but the clothes made me feel comfortable because they fit well and I felt happy looking at myself in the mirror. In them, I was less self conscious and could focus on living and being in the present as I wasn’t always trying to suck in my belly all the time.
I started to exercise again, but this time because it helped me destress rather than to burn excess calories. I learned to be thankful to my body for being able to take me places, read interesting stories and taste delicious food.
I also learned that everyone else is the main character of their lives, just as I am the main character of mine, and no one actually cares about my tummy, except for me.
If I wore a bikini to the beach, no one else would remember that there was a girl in a bikini with a tummy the next day, except for me. I would remember the wonderful time I had at the beach, the way the sun rays felt on my face and sand between my toes for the next few years of my life. I am more than my physical exterior and there is so much more that makes me me.
I know Victoria's secret
She was made up by a dude
If you’re struggling with accepting your own body for what it is, do not let the world rob you of the time you waste fretting about it.
You are more than your physical being; more than the alphabet on your clothing tag, or the number on the weighing scale. Your worth lies in your character, your values and your dreams, not in your physique. So stop comparing your body with others, and start accepting yourself for who you are and live your best life.
Each and every single one of us are precious and wonderfully made. Let’s not give anyone or anything the power to make us think otherwise.
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Song lyrics quoted in this article are from Victoria's Secret by JAX.
