Since young, I have dealt with my fair share of thoughtless questions, comments and stereotypes because of my mixed heritage.
My classmates usually start off with a seemingly harmless question, “What are you?”
I've always thought of answering, “Human.”
However, I would always end up answering, “A mix of Malay and Chinese.”
The questions didn’t stop there, it would get more personal and invasive especially for their first interaction with me
“Which parent is the Malay one?”
After answering that question, they would then ask about my beliefs. “Muslim or what?” and “What language do you speak?” were other common questions that followed.
Such questions can be overwhelming for a child especially since I come from a single-parent family and this was in the early 2000s where interracial marriages were not commonplace much less one that had divorced. Besides that, these questions always made me feel like I had to pick a side and that I am the odd one out both at school and at home.
What I’ve shared is just the tip of the iceberg because compared to thoughtless questions, thoughtless comments and stereotypes hurt deeper.
During my Mandarin lesson in Primary school, I had a teacher who would keep calling me to read the passages and then say, “Hak Mui (‘Black girl’ in Cantonese), why does your Chinese sound so weird?” After saying that, she would comment that she’s on a mission to make sure I sounded right otherwise I would not be able to pass PSLE. She made those comments because she thought my family wasn’t ‘right’ according to her own standards.
The reality is, I live with a family that speaks predominantly Mandarin and Cantonese. My family made sure I was exposed to English, Mandarin and Cantonese when I was young while making sure I never mixed them together in a sentence. Singlish, however, was a habit I picked on in my teens to seem more ‘Singaporean’.
I wasn’t safe from racist comments even when I was with my family. I would sometimes be mistaken as an outsider and treated differently because of the colour of my skin.
Once, my neighbour saw my grandma hugging me. She stared at the both of us and asked, “Why are you being so close to your maid?” My grandma immediately established that I am her granddaughter and the lady laughed it off saying, “Oh I see, ha, sorry. I was wondering why you were so close to your maid.” As if saying it once wasn’t enough.
With all these little nicks and scars to my identity by the time I entered Poly, I had already gotten used to the list of things I have to share with people when I introduce myself to save me from the hassle of dealing with it later on.
Even at 17, there were still a few bad eggs who never seemed to mature or expand their horizon as they still say casual and thoughtless comments or jokes. Thankfully, I’ve only had to deal with one such person during Poly. He constantly called me a ‘Filipino maid’ because of my skin colour, sometimes even joke that I should help to carry his bag cause it is part of my job description.
While there is nothing wrong with being a domestic worker from the Philippines who earns his/her keep lawfully and dutifully, it was apparent in his phrasing, tone and body language that he said that as a taunt. (Side note, it is also not in their job description to carry bags.)
Experience taught me to laugh it off so that he’ll get bored, move on, and I won’t be seen as someone who can’t take a joke. Looking back, I regret not standing up for myself more because I wasn’t the only one he was making fun of.
Truth be told, there weren’t any other racist comments during Poly. The majority of lecturers, seniors and classmates in Poly were tactful when they asked about my race, belief and family circumstances.
Why did it seem tactful when it was the same question? Well, it’s because the context—where, when and around whom they were asking the questions, and intent for these questions—made a big difference.
Some asked for my ethnicity, religious and family background so that they can be respectful of my dietary choices and certain conversational topics. Some were just interested in the cultural heritage of others. However, others were simply trying to guess if they were right with the guesses.
So the next time, you think of asking someone what is their race or where they are from, consider your context, timing and intent. Be aware that you are not entitled to an answer and most importantly, be ready to share yours too.
If you notice that the other person is starting to feel uncomfortable by the conversation or if you start to question whether you have been too intrusive, it would be for the best to stop, check in with them and offer an apology when needed.
