With many friends getting attached in secondary school, I used to have the thought, “I want to be in a relationship too when I am in Polytechnic.”
Soon, that season of life came and I thought to myself, “I’m ready for a relationship.”
Even in Poly, as I listened to the relationship troubles of my friends, I thought to myself, “It must be nice to have someone to share life with.”
I started to meet guys in Polytechnic, got into a messy situationship (aka being more than friends but less than a couple) and eventually got my heart broken.
To be honest, I never really thought about why I wanted to get into a relationship but I did so anyway. Now when I think back, I know I was trying to seek love to fill the emptiness in my life.
The question, “Am I unlovable?” definitely flashed across my mind during my 18 years of singlehood and after I broke up in my first relationship.
Being 24 years old now, I saw how big of a red flag I was when I got into a relationship. Due to my insecurities and the brokenness I have experienced at home and in school, I became very clingy and manipulative.
My partner struggled as he tried to attend to my needs while ensuring that he was spending enough time with his family. We quarreled a lot and at one point, we even used suicide as a way to get each other’s attention.
As I reflect on my past, I ask myself these questions, “Are those hurts really necessary? Did I really have to get into a relationship in order to realise that I had plenty to work on before becoming a healthy partner?”
I’ve come to learn that I don’t have to “trial and error” with different partners to find out my weaknesses and needs because there are simpler and better ways to discover my red and green flags, without getting into a relationship and hurting others.
The question, “Am I unlovable?” definitely flashed across my mind during my 18 years of singlehood and after I broke up in my first relationship.
After my first official relationship ended, I learnt that how loveable I am is not determined by how “date-able” I am.
After my first official relationship ended, I learnt that how loveable I am is not determined by how “date-able” I am. I started to address my deep personal issues and began to understand the different aspects of love and ask myself if I am truly fulfilled in them. I believe these are great areas you can explore as well.
3 Important Areas to Self-Reflect
Relationship with family. I have difficulty loving my family. I always felt that biases exist and that my parents simply put a lot of pressure on me to get my life together for the family. Feeling that way, I don’t often share my hardships and feelings with them.
That influenced my first relationship as I over-shared, over-expected and acted irresponsibly to get things my way because I never got what I wanted in my family. Now looking back, I’ve realised that I have brought unnecessary hurt to my partner.
Relationship with friends. I used to maintain the persona of one who has everything together, instinctively carrying the burden of the “leader”.
I hardly spoke about what is going on in my life on a deeper level even to my friends who were closest to me. Beneath my facade of how put together my life seemed was a real emptiness in me.
Knowing Yourself. I may have been single for the first 18 years of my life but I did not spend all 18 years trying to get to know myself.
As I pushed for a relationship, I became someone I didn’t know I could be, which may not have happened if I simply had spent time self-reflecting and addressing my personal issues before bringing them into a relationship.
3 ways to feel loved
If you feel unloved because you have never dated before or if you’ve had failed relationships, here are some things I found helpful in my life that could be for you too.
Spend time with family. Choose to spend time and share your struggles with your family. It is a process for us to heal any hurt in our family. This is definitely the hardest hurdle but as we address them little by little, we will change as a person and that will shine as we meet new and healthy people.
Build a deeper relationship with friends. The world will always tell us to hide and not show our weak vulnerable side. But we should also remember that what’s hidden will always surface. As we choose to be vulnerable, we are giving courage to our friends to be vulnerable with us as well. Having a healthy outlet other than family would definitely be a great support.
Get to know yourself. As I mentioned earlier, we may be single for ‘X’ years, but that does not mean we actually spent ‘X’ years getting to know ourselves. Spend time reflecting on your strengths and weaknesses, and list out actionable aims to help you overcome your weaknesses. I used to be extremely impatient and as I worked on it over the years, I have come to be more forgiving and slower to anger when I am faced with issues.
All things take time, so don’t rush. My reminder to all and to myself is this: Your value and worth is not dependent on how “date-able” you are or how much people want to date you.
Your value and worth is not dependent on how “date-able” you are or how much people want to date you.
As you get to know your family, your friends and yourself, you will come to discover how lovable you are and what to look for in a relationship. Hurt people hurt people. You can experience a healthy relationship without getting hurt by numerous unhealthy relationships.
Trust me love will come. As you choose to love and be vulnerable to your family, friends and self, you might eventually find your special someone.
Movies make romantic love the most desirable relationship in life but there are other relationships that are worth pursuing. Read about ‘4 Relationships in Spider-Man We Should All Have'.
