That day is still vivid in my mind. He had asked for a hug on the MRT, and it was the longest 10 seconds I’ve had in my life. I pushed him aside and ran out of the MRT, trying to figure out what had just happened.
As someone whose love language is physical touch, I am extremely sensitive to the touches of others. With that, I catch feelings easily when I know that a person is romantically interested in me. That was when I knew: I was caught in the grey zone.
He was someone I had met through my CCA—let’s call him A. We were in the same group for a weekly event, which was how we got to know each other on a regular basis.
As we spoke, we hit it off. I believe that’s what people call “chemistry”. We started texting day in and day out, Snapchatting each other (lol don’t call me old) about our day — A became prominent in my life.
One day, he got us to bet on something, and the deal was that if I lost, I would have to give him a hug. As cringey as it sounds, I agreed because I thought it was all just for fun. “It’s not going to happen,” I was sure but, as you would have it, I lost. After the bet, he asked to watch a movie together with me. We went to the cinema, and the day went by with a ‘pinkish atmosphere’—I felt light in my heart and had butterflies in my stomach while I was spending time with him.
As the day came to an end, he followed me onto the MRT to send me home. And, right before I got off at my stop, he asked for the hug that I owed him. Thinking that the hug would be just a "friend hug", or a casual hug from a friend, I agreed. But, oh boy, was that the biggest self-sabotage I've made.
He came in for a tight hug that I wasn't expecting and by reflex, I pushed him aside. I hurried out of the MRT with my heart pounding crazily in my chest, and thought, "He is obviously interested in me."
Letting him hug me was the biggest no-no ever. I should never have let someone cross my typical friendship boundaries without being clear about the situation.
After that day, we went on more “dates” and acted like a couple even though we hadn’t established the relationship. I honestly thought that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon, and I had already told all my friends about how great he was. I genuinely thought that a romantic relationship was where we were heading towards.
That was when another girl was introduced into the picture. He spoke more and more about her, and naturally, I got jealous. I started to question myself, thinking, ”I have no title. Am I even supposed to be jealous when A is not my boyfriend?”
I decided to seek clarity by asking him the typical, "What are we?" To my disappointment, A told me that he didn't want to commit to a relationship. He felt that the happiness that we had at that stage was sufficient, and he didn't want to put a name on what we were.
Hearing that, I told him I wanted us to stop acting like a couple and return to a friendship status.
Sadly, I didn't manage to get out of the "love" that I was feeling for him as I was already emotionally bound, which made me often jealous of what he was doing with other girls.
He treated me special like I was a best friend, but I would always pick fights with him because my jealousy would get the best of me.
Eventually, I realised that he was never going to be my boyfriend and it was only healthy for me to distance myself from him as, "out of sight, out of mind". I gave him a call, telling him that I would like a break from our friendship because I could not move on from him, and we both cried badly.
Honestly, I thought that our friendship was no longer salvageable because we were on the wrong footing. However, walking away from him proved to be the best thing that I had done; I managed to move on and focus on what lay ahead of me. Eventually, I no longer held on to those feelings of affection, allowing us to become friends again after a two-month break.
We resumed being great friends, as if none of those things had happened. And today, we still chat on a deep level—this time, with clear boundaries.
Going through this entire journey made me realise the importance of boundaries in relationships and how I should never allow others to cross mine unless I am ready for what will follow.
Seeking to have relationships in the grey zone shows that we only want fun but not responsibility and ultimately it only reflects the loneliness of our hearts.
My advice for those who desire a healthy relationship instead of a one-off feel-good relationship is to know your boundaries and seek clarity. Even if it looks lame to others, it doesn't matter because the people who truly care about you will respect the lines that you have drawn.
It's not wrong to look for a loving partner. However, it is important to fully understand yourself and the other person before you get romantically involved. This is healthier for you and the one that you are exploring a relationship with.
All in all, know your boundaries. The ones who are worth it will wait for you.
The one who are worth it are also worth waiting for but the peer pressure of dating often creeps in when we see our friends getting attached. How do we avoid giving in and rushing into a relationship? Read Leah’s tips on ‘The Peer Pressure to Start Dating’.
