Started when we were younger you were mine ~
When I was in primary school, I was first introduced to the concept of BFFs (Best Friends Forever). While I didn’t believe in forever, I blatantly believed in the concept of best friends who would support each other no matter what and would be there for each other through the years of accomplishments and hardships. I was stupid and naive, lacking the wisdom of the real world.
I only cared about studying for my exams to please my tiger mother or going to my BFFs’ houses to play Wii, getting bubble tea and waffles at the nearby bread shop just a 5 minutes walk from our school.
We even wrote in each other’s yearbooks every year to “cement” our friendships even though we fought over little things like stationery, those tradable items like vanguard cards and pokemon cards, or who said the most swear words.
Then came these words:
“If you continue hanging out with her, you can’t hang out with us anymore.”
That was the most direct confrontation I had ever encountered in my life and I was faced with the choice for the first time to pick sides. I wish I knew earlier that it was okay to walk away from this “mean girls” facade and stand up for my own values.
Suddenly, friendship became such a complicated thing. I also had trouble being too emotionally attached to people whom I thought were going to stay in my life forever. I thought that if I held onto them for long and spent all my waking hours with them, they would be in my life forever. Unfortunately, I got exhausted trying to be enough for them to stay.
My Bubble Burst
I had a best friend called Nicole* in Primary School. She was kind and smart, pretty and athletic–basically, everything I wanted to be. Furthermore, she had a cat and her mom always cooked for me. She also stayed 5 minutes away from me and we were together all the time, from eating in school to playing catch and so much more. Though we went to different Secondary Schools, we still spent a lot of time together.
In Secondary School, my parents split up. One night, my parents were arguing heatedly with one another. I texted her around midnight, telling her I needed a hug. She came down to meet me at her block. I don’t know how long I cried for, but I just knew I felt so safe crying on her shoulder.
We were friends for nearly 9 years, and I foolishly thought that we would be best friends for life. I even thought we would attend each other’s weddings and be each other’s bridesmaids.
However, we went to different JCs again, and this time we drifted. At the end of my first year in JC, I tried to reach out to her again and again but all she gave me was the cold shoulder or say “I’m busy”.
Maybe it was because I was emotionally attached to her, or I still believed in being “best friends forever” but I was angry and frustrated that after 9 years, this friendship would end this way. I couldn’t accept the fact that after all that we’ve been through together, she didn’t even want to make the effort to catch up with me.
It's like when you find out McGriddles isn’t going to come back anymore permanently–that feeling of betrayal for something you love.
Reality Check
Jayme and her Poly Football friends
Now that I’m in poly, experiencing different people from different schools, I’ve come to realise that friendship is all about the moment and about managing my expectations well.
Unlike relationships, friendships are meant to be shared. There is no exclusive commitment between two people. We may be interdependent emotionally on our friends, but there are no set standards to fulfil.
As I grew older, friendship became less about what we did together but spending whatever we have time together. I could meet my friends once a year and still feel fulfilled every time we meet.
I was less concerned about keeping my friends alongside me. In fact, I began to realise it was a double effort. If they wanted to, they would put in time and effort likewise. This made me less miserable and more content about the friends that I have.
What Friendship Is
My point is, be thankful for the friends you have and love them! Go out with them once in a while, treat them on their birthday, talk shit with them. If they have been with you through your toughest storms, appreciate them more. As you grow older, your pool of friends will decrease. Genuine friends are hard to come by but they stick by you.
Jayme’s SAJC Clique
Don’t be pressured by your friends to go out when you have a lot of school work to do or just because you feel bad. If they are truly your friends, they will be fine with you excusing yourself from a hangout or two. It's definitely okay to say “another time bah”. If they're meant to stay, they will stay, and there’s always another time to celebrate your friend’s birthday or go drink with them.
As Valentine’s Day inches closer, it's not just about romantic love, but the love we have with our friends. This is the kind of love in a friendship that accompanies you to shop for your favourite clothes at Love Bonito, or come to scold and comfort you when you just break up with the neighbourhood 'ah beng', or goes from Woodlands to Pasir Ris to eat your favourite ‘bak chor mee’ with you.
Some friends will not be there on your wedding day, some friendships may turn sour over the years. With all that being said, to me, it's about cherishing the friends that you have now and make the best memories with them in the time to come.
So who will you love this Valentine’s Day?
*Name has been changed to protect her identity
True friends are hard to come by but you’ll never find them if you don’t start somewhere!
Join our online Speed Friending event to befriend people outside of your usual circle. Who knows you might find someone to shop at Love Bonito with, to cry about some unrequited love to, or to just make great memories in your youth.
Our Virtual Speed Friending lets you meet many people in just one session, find people you vibe with, or maybe connect with a new friend staying around your area.
Speed Friending
Date: 15 Feb 2020
Time: 8pm - 930pm
Location: Online, Zoom
Click here to sign up now!
