Turning 24 this year, I have friends who are beginning their journey of parenthood, while some others are still abiding by strict curfews from parents. This is a confusing time, and especially with Valentine’s Day and Chinese New Year coming, the pressure to be in a relationship only grows and we can expect questions like “Who are you celebrating Valentine’s Day with?”, “When are you getting married?”, “Are you bringing any plus-ones for visiting this year?”.
It seems the perfect place to be in life is to be with a significant other since it tends to be the obvious answer our well-meaning loved ones are looking for.
Truth be told, I haven’t struggled with that until recently. I had my first serious relationship when I turned 20, and it lasted for close to 3 years when it eventually ended. It was a painful end to a relationship that seemed like it would last forever at some points (we were considering applying for BTO when we broke up), but it was also a necessary decision to make for our growth. Since then, my journey has been filled with reclaiming parts of my life that had been lost over time as I lost myself in that relationship, learning to find contentment despite what others say is the ideal life, and finally, preparing myself for that one relationship that is worthwhile.
Here’s what I’ve learnt over the past 2 years of singlehood, and my thoughts on why it’s good to be single. I hope that as you read my reflections, you’d reflect along with me.
Consider your identity
Emotions, matters of the heart, are tricky things to handle. Put two people together and dysfunction awaits.
Security, happiness and purpose are simply not going to be found in another person. It is too much of a burden for anyone to bear. I had to confront the fact that just like myself, everyone else is imperfect, has flaws and is trying just as hard as I am in finding their way through life. Entering into a relationship with someone else will not magically make us satisfied, secure, un-lonely people. The singles and attached are both as likely to be hurt and to hurt others, it is an undeniable fact.
I get it, being in limbo, waiting to be swept up in love can, of course, be tempting! Lest we act hastily and commit to something we’re not ready for, let’s consider how our hearts are doing now. There is virtue in patience, and learning to be satisfied in more than what you think relationships can bring. Take comfort in the fact that while you take things seemingly slower than the rest, you learn to become a better and healthier individual – one who’s sure of who they are and who they are becoming, and (even though still imperfect) ready to love well, and be loved well. It’s extremely counter-intuitive, sometimes even torturous, but remember that it’s meant to be that way.
"Love is real only when a person can sacrifice himself for another person. Only when a person forgets himself for the sake of another and lives for another creature, only this kind of love can be called true love, and only in this love do we see the blessing and reward of life..."
- Leo Tolstoy
Consider the weight of intimacy
Likely you have found yourself feeling lonely and looking for a significant other. I think that’s common and normal; we were made for relationships anyway! But dig deeper and some of us find that the need we’re trying to fulfil is simply intimacy. Intimacy seems like that one thing everyone is pining for – and it can look like a thousand different experiences and sensations. The allure is strong, but it comes at a great price. We all know intimacy is not something built overnight. In the same way, intimacy is not something that can simply be retracted from a relationship. When we fail to find intimacy in relationships or decide that we weren’t ready for such a degree of intimacy, or at the end of it all we deem it unsatisfactory, or if the relationship ends for whatever reasons, what is left is painful regret and an even deeper longing of what used to be.
When you find yourself desiring intimacy in a relationship, pause and think: Is dating really just to fulfil the need for intimacy, or is there more to it than we think? Am I looking for something more than just physical or emotional intimacy, or is there a deeper purpose of it all that can be far more satisfying?
One of the best things about singlehood is having more time on hand for yourself! Take this chance to make some new friends, step out of your comfort zone and find like minded individuals from Poly with PolyParcel's latest event!
Speed Friending
Date: 15 Feb 2020
Time: 8pm - 930pm
Location: Online, Zoom
Click here to sign up now!
