I met my ex-boyfriend when I was in Secondary school in 2009. I was in Secondary 3 and he was a year older than me, in Secondary 4.
The start of our relationship was difficult. We were off to a rough start because I took a vow for singlehood then, that I was going to only have a boyfriend only after I turned 16.
Honestly, I thought it was an amazing relationship because we had similar interests and he was the star player of the CCA I was in then.
Things changed as the years went by. He became verbally abusive and was very mindless about his behaviour. Despite that, I told myself to stay committed and to only break up with him if he ever hit me or cheat on me.
In 2011, I learnt that he had a crush on somebody else in his JC but in spite of that, I forgave him then. He said it was nothing, and that he only liked her because she looked like me and I chose to believe him.
Coincidentally, both of us left JC, entered the same poly and continued playing the same sport together. We stayed together until 2016 but eventually, I found out that he was unfaithful.
I’m not going to say that most parts of my relationship were bad because most of them are very fond memories and they will stay with me forever. But I guess what I learnt from it is that you truly have to be confident of yourself, listen to your friends and your mind (not your heart), to admit that there are red flags in your relationship and to understand that it is OKAY to choose what is best for yourself.
I wouldn’t say that I wasted my “youth” on him because the experience has made me who I am today (still not perfect, but at least there was growth). I’m happy to say that I’m now able to look at him on social media and not feel anger towards him. It was also because of this break up that made me realised the importance of knowing the values I want to stand by in a relationship. And one thing I value a lot is having good communication.
It was really tough for me because I felt like I tried my best to make my relationship work but it didn’t. I felt like I didn’t deserve the pain and it just wouldn’t go away, so I resorted to drinking alcohol. Soon, it became a habit to drink when I feel stressed or depressed.
Looking back, my friends were around for me, but I was afraid of burdening them so I didn’t communicate how I truly felt. To be fair, if you actually do go through a break up like mine, you probably wouldn’t want to talk about it either.
I created fake tinder profiles to see if he was going to continue to flirt with others, I also wanted to publicly shame and destroy the girl he was with. Looking back, I was crazy. My advice would be, though it may be difficult, think rationally and talk to the people who wouldn’t judge. For me, what helped was talking to God and having friends whom I trust.
My story did not end there. I got into my next relationship soon after my break up and actually, I would like to advise against this. I’m blessed to say that my boyfriend now is amazing and that I respect him and love him a lot but I carried so much emotional baggage with me that it definitely took a toll on my boyfriend when we first got together.
Before jumping into a relationship, you should feel confident in your own skin, of your own personality and being. Love yourself before you love somebody else. Remember, red flags are red flags–don’t live in denial. However, if differences or conflicts can be sorted out, sort it out because a relationship is also about helping each other to grow.
