Turning 25 this year, wedding, BTO, engagement, and baby announcements dominate my Instagram feed, and I am beginning to feel left out.
Everyone around me seems to be moving forward in life. My university clique consisting of 5 single girls and my group of Poly friends are now mostly attached and planning their next season in life.
Closer to home, my siblings have selected their BTOs and are moving out in a few years. Don’t get me wrong, I celebrate and am happy for them, but bitterness still creeps in sometimes.
Deep down, I feel a sense of heartache. Have I been too picky? When will it finally be my turn? The longing in my heart grows deeper each year, while my sense of self-worth seems to dwindle.
It’s easy to anchor our happiness and hope in a girlfriend or boyfriend, and define our growth and worth by our relationship status.
Being single for 25 years, I bought into the idea that singlehood equates to being unattractive or unwanted. I was embarrassed to tell others that I've never been chased by anyone, had no love confessions, nor been in a relationship. I hated being single in my 20s. It deeply affected my self-confidence and left me insecure and broken.
Determined to find love and move past the ‘single’ stigma, I made a resolution at the beginning of the year to get attached. I did not want to be the girl who is ‘left on the shelf', so I started using dating apps to put myself out there and find a boyfriend.
However, the fear of being alone has fuelled many selfish motives and shaped the wrong mindset I had when dating. Let me share with you three major mistakes made and lessons I learnt about self-worth.
Mistake #1: Attaching my self-worth to whom I was dating
When my friends and colleagues heard that I was dating a medical student, they were impressed. They sang praises and spoke highly about his future career path in becoming a doctor. Positive remarks and nods of approval came naturally and they instinctively viewed him as a smart, eloquent and highly esteemed person.
It gave me a sense of pride and accomplishment. I was no longer the unfortunate single girl who everyone tried to tease or “ship” with another single guy. I felt really good about myself, but little did I know it was because I had attached my worth to the guy I was dating.
Basing my worth and identity on who I was dating worked for a little while, as it gave me a sense of escape from feeling unwanted all these years. But I soon realized that allowing others to define our worth leaves us emotionally dependent on others for validation, and it is a vicious cycle.
Self-worth must come from self-acceptance.
Learning to recognise the real value of who we are by focusing on our strengths and acknowledging our imperfections can help us discover and develop our sense of self and ground our worth properly.
Looking back, I had placed my worth in what others said and thought of me. But I learnt that self-worth must come from self-acceptance, how we—instead of others, value and regard ourselves.
Even so, I’m still learning to develop emotional independence and accepting myself wholeheartedly - all my quirks, weaknesses, flaws – and embracing them.
Mistake #2: Looking for someone to complete me
I have been longing for a partner for as long as I can remember, and with both of my brothers progressing to the marriage phase, this desire grows deeper.
Moreover, all eyes and pressure are now placed on me. When is your turn? Do you have a boyfriend? Why are you still single? These questions and subtle hints that I need to find someone makes me feel incomplete.
I had subconsciously fallen into the unhealthy trap of thinking that I needed someone to make me feel whole. I constantly dream of finding “my better half” or “The One”, and catch myself thinking “If only I had a boyfriend to go through life with me”.
After two ‘almost’ relationships this year and the wearisome search in finding a boyfriend, I was tired and jaded. I finally took an indefinite break to rest and heal.
After a lot of soul searching, I realised that I didn’t know how to be happy and full by myself, and wanted someone to come along to make me feel good and complete.
Instead of searching for someone to complete you, the focus should be about knowing and finding ourselves first, without someone else in the picture. Perhaps a partner can complement and add value to your life, but you don’t need someone else to make you whole.
From one who’s been there, learn to be kind to yourself. Take some ‘me time’ to explore and pursue your interests – running, baking, singing – or to rest and reflect to know yourself better, it can help you to feel refreshed and develop your sense of self-worth.
Instead of searching for someone to complete you, the focus should be about knowing and finding ourselves first.
Mistake #3: Thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side
Living in a culture that associates romantic love with happiness, fulfilment, and purpose in life, it’s easy to regard being in a relationship as the ultimate thing - to be desired, to feel wanted and loved.
Seeing my friends live out a life stage I assumed I would be in by now, I desperately wanted to cross over to the “greener side” of being in a relationship too.
Instead of cherishing my time with my loved ones, I spent it longing for what I did not have. Not surprisingly, I didn’t enjoy spending my weekends at home, or the time spent hanging out with my parents. I envied others that were going on dates and spending their day with their partners as I desired for it too.
One day, I came across an article on relationships and one of the points jumped right at me - “Be content in every circumstance. If you are not content when you are single, you will not be content when you are married.”
This hit me hard. I’ve always had the notion that I'll only be truly happy when I’m attached. However, having this ‘grass is greener’ mindset only leaves you stuck in a comparison trap. It's never-ending, unhealthy, and exhausting.
And in doing so, I’ve been missing the main point—learning to be content in every circumstance and cherishing what I have in my life now.
Be content in every circumstance. If you are not content when you are single, you will not be content when you are married.
Maybe life feels incomplete without a romantic relationship, but instead of focusing on what you lack, it’s important to focus on what you do have—the existing relationships with your family and friends.
Make the effort to love and nurture these relationships you have. After all, the grass is greenest where it is well-watered.
Know Your Worth and Value—You Are Not Defined By Your Relationship Status
It’s easy to anchor our happiness and hope in a girlfriend or boyfriend, and define our growth and worth by our relationship status. Rather, we need to start valuing ourselves just as we are—and be proud of ourselves.
There’s no perfect formula for finding self-worth and fulfilment, but we can take the first step to accept ourselves wholly, take time to discover and know ourselves deeply, and learn to be content in every circumstance.
