I used dating apps for 17 months straight. And I am still single.
Even so, I wouldn’t say that all that time had gone to waste. In fact, I would consider the 17 months of using dating apps as one of the most important phases in my life.
Here are the seven most valuable lessons that I learnt after 17 months of swiping, texting, and first dates, in hopes that my experiences will help you better navigate the complex world of online dating.
How my journey with dating apps all began
My journey with dating apps started at the end of 2020. That was the time of the pandemic when my University classes shifted online, limiting my socialising opportunities.
Since many of my friends had found success in finding their potential partners through dating apps, I decided to give it a try.
Reflecting on the past 17 months spent online dating, I can’t help but feel a mix of emotions. There were the highs of matching with someone promising, the lows of being ghosted, and the ever-persistent hope that the next match would be “the one” for me.
But through this journey, I learnt a lot about myself and dating that I wouldn’t have been able to anywhere else.
#1 Being in a relationship isn’t more fulfilling, being single isn’t less
In every Disney movie I watched as a child, the protagonist princess would meet their prince charming, go through some trials together, and finally reach their “happily ever after”. That was how I thought life was: I would find my happiness only after I found my own “princess”. I placed a lot of my worth in my relationship status.
Since secondary school, I would do everything in my power to get into a relationship. I would try to be smarter or pick up skills that I thought would make me look cool, all in the name of being attractive. But that didn’t get me too far. I was still single.
This lack of confidence in my worth really revealed itself when I was setting up my dating profile.
When I tried to answer prompts such as “I am…” or “I like…”, I found myself typing and deleting, and repeating that about four to five times. Even though I was pretty sure I had many things to say about myself, I was afraid that they would look lame as they didn’t help in getting me into a relationship.
After a few days of procrastination, I decided to simply type my answers without caring about whether they would seem attractive. Soon, I found myself writing good paragraphs for the different prompts that I picked, whether it was describing myself, my hobbies, or the things that I liked and disliked.
Looking at my answers, I realised that I have lived quite a fulfilling life despite being single.
Even without being attached, I tried many things and picked up interesting hobbies like breakdancing, longboarding, and playing the guitar. I was belittling myself by thinking that my life wasn’t as interesting because I wasn’t in a relationship.
I learnt through this mini “dating profile” episode that you can still lead a fun and fulfilling life as a single person or as someone looking for love. Being in a relationship isn’t necessarily more fulfilling, and being single isn’t less.
#2 Hold true to your reason for dating, even if others think otherwise
When I first started using dating apps, my friends advised me to adopt a mindset of just getting to know people casually and not take dating too seriously.
I felt a little unsettled because I had a different opinion about it. My intention was to find a girlfriend - not to simply make friends! However, as everyone was telling me to have an open mind, I felt embarrassed to have a different stance, so I just agreed, “I have the same mindset too.”
However, after talking to several girls and either getting ghosted or rejected, I found myself feeling really depressed.To find peace with myself, I decided to just take some time off swiping to process my emotions.
I was reminded of my personal reason for using dating apps to find love instead of simply getting to know people. I realised I was so upset because it seemed that my relationship status was on the line, like it was an all-or-nothing.
Being honest with myself helped me gain clarity about my intentions, and helped me achieve inner peace. I learnt that my opinions might be different from the vast majority, and that is okay, as long as I don’t have ill intentions and I remain true to myself.
#3 There are sides to myself that I was unaware of
When I was dating one girl, I noticed an interesting trend every time I sent her home.
It started off with me accompanying her to her MRT stop before I went on my way. After that, it progressed to walking her out of the train and to the gantry. Finally, I found myself staying with her for at least five minutes inside the MRT station before sending her off at the gantry.
Even at the gantry, I would ask for hugs before she left and even pout when it was time for her to leave. One hug wouldn’t suffice, I needed more hugs before we parted.
Although I knew that I am more expressive than most and not afraid of showing it, I was displaying another level of clinginess that I never knew I could portray.
Dates with other girls also led me to learn more about myself such as what were some things that would trigger my angry emotions and what sort of actions would irk me.
As I interacted with different people, I realised that there were new things I got to learn and new sides to see about myself. Understanding these parts of myself also helped me to become a better person and discover traits I value in my future spouse.
#4 Relationships are not always about having fluttery feelings
You know how in Korean dramas, two protagonists catch feelings for each other and show one another how they feel? Watching these romantic Korean dramas growing up made me decide on the potential of a relationship based on whether I’ll get fluttery feelings when I interact with the person.
However, there was this particular date that proved my theory wrong. I was especially excited because it was my first date after a while. The date went really well. We managed to get a table at a Japanese restaurant, the food was delicious, we laughed at each other’s jokes, and we could have deep conversations. There was just one problem: I didn’t have any fluttery feelings for her.
Feeling dejected, I sought advice from a good friend of mine. His advice to me was this: “Why would you assume you know someone after meeting them only once?”
I decided to take his advice and continued talking to her through Instagram DMs. I’m glad that I took his advice because after I asked her out on a second date, we ended up dating for a while.
I realised that in a dating relationship, you might experience peace and comfort instead of fluttery feelings, and that’s okay. After all, fluttery feelings are not always an accurate indicator of whether a relationship is healthy and going well.
#5 You don’t always find “closure” in a relationship
I was in an unofficial relationship with a girl I met for seven months, and I was prepared to officially ask her to be my girlfriend.
However, a week before I planned to ask her, both of us sat down together and talked about how we wanted to move forward in our relationship. Unfortunately, she felt that she could not see herself being in this relationship in the long run, and after a long time of consideration, I was rejected that very night.
I couldn’t find the questions to ask. Despite being at a loss and feeling shocked, I knew that the only mature thing to do then was to respect her decision. Only about a month after the rejection and thinking back to the night of the incident with a clear mind did I finally find the right questions to ask her. The answers, I thought, would help to bring me closure.
However, I realised it was a little too late for that. We had agreed that we would not contact each other anymore, so there was no way that I could get my answers. Although I could have contacted her, it just didn’t seem like the right thing to do.
The hurt that I thought was gone revealed itself to me once again, and still, I found that there was no possible way to get closure from her.
It was a painful lesson but this incident taught me that not just in relationships, but also in our lives, there will be times when we cannot get the closure that we want from someone else. Thankfully for me, my faith helped me to find the closure that I needed to move on from this relationship.
#6 Rejection might be the end, but it’s also a beginning
After every rejection I faced, I was slightly afraid to get back onto the dating apps.
I would question myself, “Was there something I could have done better?” I was scared that if I went back to dating, I would meet the same ending: be rejected and get hurt.
However, as I reflected, I discovered that every time I thought that the next dating relationship couldn’t be better, I was always blessed to meet a girl who made me feel like all that effort was worth it.
Being rejected also gave me opportunities to reflect on what may have gone wrong. I learnt from my mistakes and changed whatever was in my control, to present a better version of myself to the next person I was going to date.
That was when I realised that rejection isn’t the end. Rather, it allows for new opportunities to enter my life.
#7 Texting is a useful skill, and not just for dating
I’ve always been an extrovert, so engaging in conversations in various social settings never seemed to be too big of a problem for me. That’s why when I first started using dating apps, I thought, “How difficult could this be?”
Wow, it turns out that I couldn’t be more wrong. Even though starting the conversation wasn’t usually a problem for me, keeping the conversation going proved to be much more of a challenge.
I wanted to get to know the girl better, but as we continued to text, every conversation only seemed to end quicker. The conversation would also become very mundane, with us saying the same few things like “how’s it going?” and “anything interesting today?”.
I’m also normally an avid “essay texter”. When I send messages, it’s like I’m trying to text a full essay over to the person I’m talking to. While some girls didn’t have an issue with it, I might have scared quite a few people off. My text conversations on the dating apps weren’t getting me anywhere.
Embarrassing as it is, I actually went to research ways that I could improve my texting. I listened to podcasts and watched shows that discussed relationship topics. I also showed my cringey texts to my friends to seek advice on how they might do it better.
I wanted to carry a conversation that was interesting enough to bring it off the dating app to a social platform like Telegram.
Oh my goodness. I was so thoroughly impressed that what I thought was trivial could make so much of a difference. I learnt that the devil was in the details: the right punctuation, choosing between “hahaha” or “HAHAHA”, and using emojis to express instead of just words — all these made so much difference to my messages.
Having obtained these pieces of advice, I was excited to put them into practice. As I continued to have conversations on dating apps, I found that my texting skills actually got better.
Besides dating apps, I was also having better conversations with other people in my life. My friends and some of my mentees told me that texting me felt much more comfortable. Texting better was also helping me at work too. It never occurred to me how having good texting skills could come in so handy!
All in all
After 17 months of “failed” dates and a nine-month break from dating apps, I've picked up the courage to start trying again. I'm back on dating apps, talking to new people and hoping that I'll be able to meet my special someone.
Looking back at all the experiences I’ve had, I feel like giving dating apps a chance was one of the best decisions that I’ve made. Both the happy moments and bad memories have taught me things that I never knew about myself. Because of that, I’m able to work on areas that I’m lacking so that I can become a better person for whenever I meet my future partner.
If you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.
Getting onto dating apps might be one of the scariest experiences — you'll be talking to people you have no idea about, but you might also look back one day and say, “It was worth it”.
Author’s note: Of course, that doesn’t mean that you should throw yourself blindly into online dating. Use dating apps with discernment and caution, and if your gut tells you that something is off, listen to it and get advice from reliable family members or friends.
