“I’m willing to change for y'all as long as y'all tell me what I can do because I really treasure this friendship and will do whatever it takes in my means to salvage it.”
These were my exact words when I fell out with my clique. I was blinded, insecure and fearful of losing them. They were my everything.
Let’s turn back time to October 2017. It was the start of year 1 semester 2. My first semester was a blast so I was excited for school to start again!
My clique was a large reason why I looked forward to going to school daily. We clicked so well I was convinced we would be BFFL (best friends for life).
They introduced me to many new things and we hung out together all the time, often organising impromptu KTV and Mookata outings after school.
Generally, the friendship was pretty healthy—we got each other’s back and protected each other from harm (i.e. stalkers following my friend back home). But there was this girl—let’s call her “Penny”—while she was fun to be around, she was also toxic.
Right from the get-go, there were telltale signs that Penny was a bad influence, especially from the way she spoke about others and mocked them for their appearance or behaviour.
I vividly remember when she proudly introduced herself as a ‘gossip network’. I was taken aback by how someone could be so proud of being known as a gossip queen! But because she was fun-loving, I brushed my discomfort aside. I thought, it couldn’t be that bad, right? Boy, was I wrong.
While I genuinely enjoyed my time with Penny and the clique, deep inside I knew our values were misaligned so there was a constant nagging within me.
The thought of the friendship not working out and having no friends in poly kept lingering in my mind.
The thought of the friendship not working out and having no friends in poly kept lingering in my mind. I was fearful of the judgemental looks people would throw at me if I was friendless or the lack of emotional support throughout poly.
So I dismissed all of Penny’s red flags, not wanting to face my fears. In fact, I soon became desensitised towards the gossip and mockery that her actions no longer seemed wrong to me. I even found myself joining Penny in her criticism.
Looking back, we did really nasty things like ostracising our classmate by refusing to sit with her, creating group chats to gossip about others, even sending each other videos or photos of others and making rude comments about them, just to name a few. Every day without fail, we would be talking about someone behind their back and laughing about it. We were just like the “Mean Girls” Trio, Regina, Gretchen and Karen.
However, despite the gossip we shared, Penny never felt apologetic or guilty of the comments she made or judgements she passed. At times where it seemed like things were getting out of hand, such as when others overheard her gossip, she simply laughed and brushed it off.
Over time, my insecurity of losing my friends led me to be too possessive of them. I often wanted to only hang out exclusively with my clique. Eventually, Penny felt too stressed to hang out with me because my “strong personality really puts her off”. She confronted me through text and my survival instincts kicked in. In my long apologetic reply, I said:
“I’m willing to change for y'all as long as y'all tell me what I can do because I really treasure this friendship and will do whatever it takes in my means to salvage it.”
I was so desperate because my deepest fear was losing them. I was willing to do anything, just to be accepted, validated and well-liked by my friends.
But things didn’t really work out so I decided to retain whatever dignity I had left in me and leave the clique. It was one of my biggest set-backs in poly. I sat alone in class the next day and in a small cohort of 42 students, everyone in the course immediately knew something was wrong.
I wanted to cry so badly, to bawl out my fears, insecurities and indignance. I felt so wronged and lonely. I didn’t have any other close friends and everyone had already formed cliques so my worst nightmare came true—I was alone and friendless.
Just as I was planning on how to eat lunch myself, a classmate named Xinyu invited me for lunch. We got along really well and that helped me heal from the rejection of my clique as I saw how she accepted me at my lowest.
Having learnt my lesson to be more discerning towards the friends I hung out with, I found myself a really good friend, Vanessa, in my second year of poly. Our friendship formed in an unexpected manner (Watch: Poly Parcel Unexpected Friendship to hear their full story).
Xinyu and Vanessa showed me what a healthy friendship should look like. When I am with them, we don’t gossip about others and this was so refreshing compared to my unhealthy friendship with Penny.
They also taught me that a fun and crazy friendship doesn’t have to be built on insulting others. They showed me how to treat people genuinely and love those around us, even if they are different.
We talked and laughed about anything and everything under the sky, from academics, to variety shows, music, even our dreams and aspirations. But beyond our shared interests, I was drawn to Xinyu and Vanessa’s character.
I was especially encouraged by Vanessa’s love towards those around her. Not only does she go out of her way to assist her classmates in need, she extends this kindness to strangers.
Though she does not come from a well-to-do family, she always buys tissue paper from those selling it at hawker centres or along bus stops and MRT stations, and would voluntarily approach strangers to help them whenever she sees a need.
Needless to mention, both Xinyu and Vanessa were very welcoming towards me and accepted me into their friend circle like I was one of them. I soon found myself drawing so much positivity and strength from this new healthy friendship, which helped me move on from the fall out with my clique.
From left to right: Odelia, Xinyu and Vanessa
Although falling out with my initial clique were the darkest days in my poly life, it was most
definitely a blessing in disguise. It opened up my eyes to my disdainful behaviour, and led me to build healthy friendships with others!
While I wished I never had to experience falling out with my clique, I don’t regret how things have turned out. I certainly believe I would not have been able to develop my character and grow as much if I was still in the friendship with Penny!
In case you are wondering, Penny and I went back to talking terms in the following academic year then. We were in the same Sub-Committee for our CCA and worked together for group projects.
However, I always kept my distance from her and would leave the conversation whenever she started to speak behind peoples back. In a school setting, it is unavoidable to meet people with differing values, but what’s more important is to know what a healthy friendship should look like and when to walk away from an unhealthy one.
For those who are struggling with being in an unhealthy friendship, here are some tips that might help you reevaluate the friendship and your decision towards managing it.
- Leave before it's too late. Learn to walk away from the friendship if you find yourself compromising on your values or becoming a less than ideal version of yourself. While it’s not wrong to want to be accepted by our friends, it should not be at the expense of losing yourself. Walking away from our comfort zone takes a lot of courage, but your future self will thank you.
Walking away from our comfort zone takes a lot of courage, but your future self will thank you.
- Time will heal everything. Not to sound cliché, but there is some truth in this piece of conventional wisdom. When I first fell out with my clique, I seriously considered transferring out of my course because I dreaded school so much. For a long time I was broken and insecure but I eventually moved on and found a new group of friends.
No one likes to leave a friend group, but spend your time wisely with those who will build you up and shape your character. Soon you’ll be too occupied to dwell on the past! Nothing is more rewarding than looking back and seeing how much you’ve grown.
- Insecurity and fears are real emotions. But you will grow out of it. 17-year-old Odelia wouldn’t believe it, but here I am 5 years later realising that stages of our lives will pass in due time. What will remain is your character, your values and your legacy. Don't let your fears cripple you and stop you from walking away from an unhealthy friendship.
- Expand your social circle. While you might have already found a BFF or formed a clique in school, there is no harm in getting to know more people! Try not to only hang out with your clique till it becomes so exclusive that you are disconnected with your other poly mates. You never know when they’ll have your back some day. Sometimes we think our current friends are the best for us, but mixing around with others will help you discover more about yourself and open your eyes to the different types of people around!
- True friends will remain. We might fear walking out of an unhealthy friendship as we don’t want to end the friendship. But take heart, true friends will remain! I fell out with this clique but the 3 of us (minus Penny) are great friends now! We sometimes talk and laugh over this matter but it longer affects us.
It's never easy to walk out of a friendship, but you are not alone in this journey. If you are stuck in a friendship situation and need advice, you are always welcome to reach out to me on telegram @odeeeliaaa!
Remember to take care of your mental wellbeing and be kind to yourself! It’s not worth losing yourself over a toxic friend. We seniors are here and we care for you!
